My year of yes! 💪🏻

Dear reader, I hope the year is shaping up nicely for you. This newsletter is becoming somewhat of a confessional but I miss those days when blogs were a thing!

I’ve always been an anxious kid - it was really bad when I was young. Simple things like going to the mall, staying on a swing, sitting in a car with loud music would be too stimulating and terrifying for me. As the years went by, I learnt to cope and contain the anxiety and become what they call high-functioning, but I guess I’ve always been like that calm duck that’s in actuality frantically paddling beneath the water. I rehearse my order before my turn in the hawker queue comes, or before professional phone calls. I never go clubbing. I avoid alcohol and coffee like the plague.

In the last stretch of my uni days, there was a personal loss in my life and I was so broken up by it that I had a string of panic attacks. There’s so much stigma when it comes to mental health and I felt so lost that I remember going to a family clinic down the road and trying to get the doctor to diagnose me just so that I could speak to an older stranger about my problems. There was a horrific panic attack where I felt trapped in the train between stops. I was sobbing in the MRT toilet cubicle while my friend Dawn talked me through breathing over the phone. The last ever presentation I gave in school, I saw black spots appearing in my vision and buzzing in my ears. Thank god that ordeal was over, but that was an absolutely horrid period in my life that I would never want to relive again.

In retrospect, perhaps part of the reason why I gravitated to being a chef was because it was a behind-the-scenes, away-from-the-limelight role. There were no meetings to attend, presentations to give or pitches to offer. But life’s funny - the more you run from something, the more it comes your way.

With the publishing of Wet Market to Table and Singapore Noodles, I found myself increasingly thrust into the limelight. And it is a struggle. Because as much as I believe in the mission and want Singapore Noodles to grow, my inner fight-or-flight mode is kicking in. There’s this constant tension between a desire to express and to share, and a crippling anxiety. The panic attack that happened right before the last presentation I gave in school was so traumatic that I’ve steered clear of any presentation opportunity since… until I had to do a book launch at Kinokuniya, which I got through with lots of power-posing, visualization and self-talk.

In the months ahead, a few opportunities have presented themselves and my knee-jerk reaction was to reject everything. But I’ve decided that 2021 will be a year of yes. If I truly want to legitimize Singapore Noodles as a brand and to grow as an individual, I’d have to take the leap. Lunch and learn session with NUS Yale students? Yes. Zoom sharing on sustainability? Yes. Thunder tea rice cooking class in my home? Yes. Private cheffing for four? Yes. Roti prata cooking class at the cooking school? Yes. 1 hour talk in Mandarin? Yes.

Just typing these things above makes me terrified. I want to run away! And say no! I really don’t know how each of these would turn out but I’m going to do everything in my power to feel up for them. For those of you who struggle with public speaking anxiety, I’ve found Tricia Brouk to be a wonderful resource. Now that I’ve said it and committed to these things, please keep me in your thoughts!! :-)

---

Anyhoo. Here’s a recap on Singapore Noodles happenings last week:

1/ I had my friend Tony Tan on the podcast! Tony is one of the most passionate people I know when it comes to food, and even though he has been living in Australia since his university days, he is adamant about preserving traditions and cooking heritage foods from Singapore and Malaysia. He’s such a legend and it was a true honor having him on the show.

2/ I made murtabak! Some say that the name is derived from the word mutabbaq, which means ‘folded’ in Arabic, alluding to the way dough is folded over fillings. Others say that the original name of the dish is ‘mutabar’, ‘muta’ being the Keralite word for egg which is considered a significant component of the dish, and ‘bar’ being an abbreviated form of the word ‘barota’ which refers to the bread base.

Either way, a lump of dough is repeatedly flipped on a surface until it forms a thin transparent sheet. The two sides are folded towards the centre, filling added, and the rest of the dough folded over to enclose the filling. This ensemble is transferred to a griddle until crispy on the outside and chewy yet tender on the inside. It’s one of those things you’d never think to make at home, but so gratifying when you try. Just eating it reminds me of spontaneous suppers at my hood Marymount!

3/ Chicken macaroni soup for the soul. The kind of thing you want to be eating when you’re ill. Or sad. Or in need of some soul soothing.